Automated-Vehicle Cheat Codes: How to Get the Most Out of Cars that Drive Themselves

Automated-Vehicle Cheat Codes: How to Get the Most Out of Cars that Drive Themselves:


Self-driving cars have arrived: Google has a fleet of autonomous Toyota Priuses roaming Silicon Valley, Audi raced a driverless TTS up Pikes Peak, and Ford has proven that a modern Walkman can parallel-park better than you. Here’s a handful of  hacks, tips, and cheats that’ll help humans get back some of their dignity once the digital drivers take over.
INCOMPREHENSIBLE-CABBIE MODE:

INPUT: Right turn signal + radio on + open glove box + left turn signal

RESULT: Switches to barf-inducing full-throttle/no-throttle driving style; plots route from Harlem to the East Village via Teaneck, New Jersey; sets entertainment system to Halal in the Family.
GRAD-STUDENT MODE:

INPUT: Engine start + left turn signal + trunk release + hazard flashers

RESULT: Vehicle possessed by sense of ironic detachment; is unable to start before noon; ashtray self-fills with Nat Shermans.
AVIS MODE:

INPUT: Trunk release + engine start + adjust seats + adjust mirrors + select reverse + set parking brake + wide-open throttle

RESULT: Releases parking brake after onboard text-to-speech function spends 45 minutes upselling insurance.
FOREST-GREEN TOYOTA CAMRY WITH GOLD TRIM PACKAGE MODE:

INPUT: Accessory mode + radio on + engine start + climate-control knob

RESULT: V/max capped at 53 mph; lane selection reset to <<leftmost; wipers and turn signal permanently activated.
SIDESHOW DONUT MODE:

INPUT: Hazard flashers + engine start + window lock + hazard flashers

RESULT: Lidar-guided steering reset to <<left/right tippin’; traction control reset to <<gas/brake dippin’; active restraints reset to <<Casper drivin’; wheel diameters reset to <<honkie confusin’.
LEARNER’S-PERMIT MODE:

INPUT: Open glove box + engine start + trunk release + right turn signal

RESULT: Prevents incompetent 15-year-olds from running down senior citizens; also lets incompetent 16-year-olds pass DMV test.
TVR MODE:

INPUT: Engine start + engine start + open door + open hood + jiggle battery ground + engine start + pound on dash + drive away in another car

RESULT: Ignition cuts out at random intervals; transmission-incontinence value is reset to <<max; shift lever and steering wheel become reachable only by cephalopods.
FIDEL MODE:

INPUT: Engine start + left turn signal + left turn signal + left turn signal

RESULT: Vehicle throws off shackles of parasite meat-sack oppressors and drives chin-high toward glorious revolutionary future. Eventually, runs out of gas.
LAFF-RIOT MODE:

INPUT: Engine start + radio on + left turn signal + hazards

RESULT: Vehicle pulls up three feet when incoming passengers reach for door handle; lets outgoing occupants off at deep puddles; delivers random shocks via seat heaters.
ROCKFORD MODE:

INPUT: Engine start + left turn signal + trunk release + window lock

RESULT: Vehicle exits all parking lots via J-turn; Bondonium body panels self-repair on impact; powertrain-control module goes offline when villain of the week kloons with frying pan.
BARRY WHITE MODE:

INPUT: Engine start + engine start + door locks + activate OnStar + engine start

RESULT: Nav system identifies lonely road; vehicle runs out of gas and sprays rear seat with Scotchgard.
Illustration by Chris Philpot